The Auditions: Stage One

March /April 2009

Everything about me is false. . . except for my personality (and my breasts).

For years, in fact, forever, I have been a very low maintenance sort of woman. All that is changing – I have in the last few weeks, installed hair extensions, applied false nails, temporary false eyelashes, and a rather Katie Pricey tan in a concerted effort to make myself feel better – and with the hope that I will wow them at the first dance audition.
I have until now, poo-pooed these self obsessed beasts that rant on and on about pampering, spas, cosmetic surgery techniques, latest handbags, shoes etc. I have been rather disdainful of their total inability to garner some self-esteem with personality transplants instead of breast implants. Until I, having been crying approx two hours a day, took a good look at myself in the mirror and so did not like what was reflected back. But one good thing about heartache – it does wonder for the figure, ladies. I announce the latest in fad diets – The Heartbreak Diet: Meet an utter cad, fall madly in love, get him to smash your heart in pieces and just watch that weight melt away – easy!

But back to the face – and the self-esteem – both heavy with the lines of life, and love.

Not any more. Thanks to false applications and Power Plate – an initially tortuous machine that vibrates every single piece of you while you hold yourself in body-building poses that even Madonna would be proud of. The first time I went to Power Plate I stood on it for 30 seconds and ached for 30 hours afterwards.

The first time one of my BF’s went on it, she had an orgasm – but then she was sitting on it. I have subsequently sat on it, stood away from it holding straps and no, no orgasm yet but am toning up really nicely. It is the ideal form of exercise for us crips – I am a now a Movers and Shapers (shakers?!) core-strengthening fan.

All this external effort has still not upped my ‘self-esteem’ enough however and have asked my dear friend Jax to hold my hand for the first audition. It was held in Stratford, we got a cab there and as soon as I wheeled in, thought "oh, no, oh no, I am way way too old".


Saw Kaaj from Fever Media – loved her as much in person as on phone and email and Leanne Grose who looked her usual gorgeous self.


Smiled at everyone else and then left the building. Jax and I escaped outside for a coffee and a pep talk. Er, she convinced me to go back in…! (I’m too old, I’m too old – Jax wanted to slap me I think).

First stage was a filmed interview with one of producers, Neil, who is hilarious and very very clever. He had obviously been charged with asking some fairly standard questions but we very soon went ‘off piste’. "So Diana, what sort of exercise do you do?" "Housework and sex, Neil, although sex has dropped off a bit recently."
Neil and Kaaj

(I loved Neil and his keen mind - I could imagine working with him – and throughout the whole interview am thinking, I want this, I want to do this show, I need to dance) At the end of the 20 min interview: "Diana, can you be a bit of bitch?" "Moi? No never…although I will be, shall we say, firm, if I think someone is being bullied…."

Spoke briefly with the Exec Producer, David Tibballs afterwards. Someone from the production had already hinted that the dance partners of the chosen wheelie dancers would be Strictly Professionals and David asked "If that was the case, who do you see yourself with?" "Ian Waite" I said very quickly. "He looks gorgeous and he seems to be a very lovely, patient person with his celeb partners."

I am loving this programme more and more I thought.

Don’t be desperate though. They are seeking personality as well as ability to dance.

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