Why did I apply?

March 2009

Just when you thought life couldn’t get any worse. It does. Cannot say anything more on these matters except I am feeling utterly heartbroken and extremely unlucky. Don’t think have felt this bad since 1990, and am, for the first time in nearly 20 years, desperately trying to quell the rising tide of self-pity, an emotion that I have never felt before.
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False legs weighing heavy, I limped badly into the office and half blind with tears sniffed my way through the 150 or so emails that had accumulated in my weeks enforced leave. In amongst all the usual NHS communications, editorial for the magazine, questions from advertisers, bleating unpleasant comments from permanently angry amputees, distressed pleas for info from new amputees, ads for viagra and Nigerian multi-millionaires looking for safe houses for their fortunes (how did these latter ones get through the NHS firewalls?) there were the usual rash of media requests …I only took real note of one, such note in fact that I replied.
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From all these years of seeing first hand these media requests – everything from Big Brother, Beyond Boundaries to the usual scatter of weekly magazine requests for anything sensational and especially prurient, have never ever considered anything but this request struck a chord deep within me. It was from a production company called Fever Media who are making a programme with provisional title, Dancing On Wheels – described as bit like Strictly, but with wheelchairs. Vaguely recall seeing something about wheelie dancing but had dismissed it – placing it squarely in the dance sector assigned ‘Morris’ Dancing, with all its strange connotations of cultish groups wearing beards, stinking of beer and whacking shit out of each other with sticks.
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And that’s just the women!

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I have seen, and taken part in, wheelie disco dancing - at the tennis tournaments and am much admiring of the skill involved in moving a metal chair so in time it looks cool. But I cannot do 'wheelies' due to the axel plate setting required for my disability and normally stand and move my right below knee prosthetic and pivot on my above knee prosthetic and make up for lack of lower movement with an awful lot of arm and hand wafting. Had this sudden and inexplicable desire to do something completely different, to be taken out of my tortuous and currently extremely harrowing comfort zone into different world. And I liked the tone of the email – it was highly professional, personally addressed and oh sod it I thought.
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It’s either that or audition for Look Good Naked. I don’t bloody well think so. Would not want that patronising breast adoring git grabbing Gok Wan delving into my bits thanks very much. So all I said in response to Fever’s request was: 'Thanks very much you are too late for the magazine deadline but will put info about this very interesting project on website. (Am double leg amputee – one below knee, one above and use a wheelchair – might have a go myself.).'
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A young high-energy woman, Kaaj, then phoned twice chasing me up, I reluctantly sent through a couple of glam pix to her at Fever, which were a tad past their sell-by date (ur, by about 10 years) thinking that while it would be so much fun, I am v probably 20 years above the age limit for these types of programmes but as my personal life has the tang of Jeremy Kyle to it these days, might as well focus any remaining energies on what can potentially be good about reality tv - a whole new world and learning something new.
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I want to run for the hills, away from every problem and in particularly from myself - but of course, I can't.
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When the going gets tough, the tough take action.